There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
