i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
