I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
