too bad you live with your parents still
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
