she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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