My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
please come you make the beer taste better
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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