I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
