The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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