please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
