The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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