"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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