I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
why didn't you poke me back
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
