saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
