I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Vodka?
Forever.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
