Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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