I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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