Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
