So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
