A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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