Will you blow on my dice?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
