So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
