I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
