I hope mine doesn't look like that
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
sarcasm needs its own font
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
