I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
