porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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