you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
