So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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