My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
