Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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