Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
