I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
