I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
