Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
