Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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