I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
