He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
