Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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