apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
