apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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