would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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