She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
