Someone shit on the floor
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
