Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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