apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I stole a fireplace last night.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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