Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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