Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
