You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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