I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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