I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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