you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
