so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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